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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Life with its ups and downs.

Well, yesterday was a tough day. I dreaded the morning and going through all the motions of getting my children ready without my shadow. I did no work whatsoever because I couldn't stand the thought of my studio room without my side-kick. My day was empty. So Jeff took me to Melissa's Cafe for an early lunch and then we ran a few errands before we headed off to the kid's elementary school for the Girl Scouts ceremony. My day was busy sure, but it we knew someone was missing. My Bella.

After the girl's ceremony we went to look at the little boy. I need to clarify something first. It turns out that this is not Bella's brother, however he was born at the same time by a different Mom. Michelle, my breeder, has three Mom's and usually has three litters a year... it turns out that this little guy was from a Mom who delivered a week after Bella. During our conversations we were both quite distraught and I was confused when she said that she "still had a little boy", thinking that was the little boy from Bella's litter, as there were just the two of them. I didn't know that her other Mom had delivered too... and this was that puppy. He's ten weeks (Bella was eleven weeks).

We went to see him and I thought he was so cute. He is so cute. He is not my Bella, but I'm learning that no one is and there's just nothing I can do about that, I can't be miserable and get myself so depressed that I can't enjoy this new life, this life that wants to love us back. My heart aches when I think of her and all the things she used to do but at the same time I know I have to let her go and laugh at the memories and not cry when I think of them. That is SO difficult!

Trying to keep it all straight is tough too! The lineage I mean. Of all these dogs. lol Michelle went through it in detail and made us understand, but in a nutshell... Abigail is Bella's Mom and about a year and a half ago she had a litter of pups... Michelle (breeder) told her thirteen-year-old daughter, Ariel that she could keep one of the pups as her own (to breed if she wanted). She decided that she would. Ariel's Mommy dog is named Hope. HOPE is pregnant and due in a month and will have pups that are ready around July 24th (give or take a few days). Ariel (the daughter) told us yesterday that she really wanted us to have the girl puppy when she comes... (if there is a girl). They made us cry. It was so kind. Ariel, not your typical teen--that's for sure!, was just lovely to us and they really made us feel so much better.

The wait begins. We will await the arrival of Bella's cousin? Would that be right? No, that's not right... well, whatever the lineage, it will have a tie to Bella. But it's really this family that has the tie. They adore their parents and the environment is so warm and friendly, every one's welcome. We will await the arrival of Hope's babies and then if there's a girl... we'll go see her. I am looking forward to that... the Hoping...

In the meantime, we have a new little man in the house. He's different, but in a good way. His face is absolutely different and although his body-structure is similar to Bella's, it's still not the same completely.

We named him Jack {Bauer}.

Jeff loves "24" and well, it seemed fitting you know? Jack Bauer can get out of tough situations and man, how many lives does that dude have anyway? So, our little fella has a tough name... Jack. I've been calling him "Jack-Jack" like The Incredibles little baby, you know? The one who had the ability to make his body become fire? lol He was a tough little cookie too, so it seemed to be the perfect name for our new little life.

I will try and get back to my more jovial self in the coming days and weeks. She, in her short time, really captured my heart and made me so happy. I think this little guy will do that too, in time. The kids love him. Oh, our first night didn't go too badly. He was in his tiny the top corner of my bed where Bella always slept... he's just IN the crate (realize, it's a small crate). He didn't cry too too long, maybe fifteen minutes? He finally conked out and we didn't hear so much as a PEEP out of him the remainder of the night. :) Wish us luck on potty training.

Thank you so much for all the amazing emails, you took the time to email me and let me know your thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know. Those of you who shared your stories with me, thank you. I am blessed. Who knew that this world of Internet could make a heart heal that much more quickly. I didn't feel so alone. Jeff too. Realizing that this, this horrible tragedy didn't just happen to us, that it's happened to other people too... well, it meant a lot.

Love to all of you...

PS: Emily will be taking pictures of Jack today. I'll keep you posted, but in the meantime, I wanted to post a couple photos that were taken last week of my Bella... just one last time..

I think the above photo was taken in the RAW.


JoeyandChase said...


They are just like children, and it is natural to grieve when one is lost; they become such a part of your family and routine.

When I'm reading your posts about Bella, I find myself crying because even though our Barkleigh has been gone for 3 years, it is still so so painful. Time allows you to move on but you will never forget. That is what is so amazing about love. Just like children, Jack and the other little girl you are waiting for will each bring their own love and personalities - and new experiences into your lives.

My best advice is to allow yourself to get to know them and never feel like you are betraying Bella. That is something I struggled with big time. You are honoring her by bringing these two little guys into your lives.

Hang in there - the pain does ease up!

Kristen said...

I think that Jack is such a cute name. My son's name is Jack and he is really a character! I think that your Jack will bring you joy as well. No one can replace Bella, and I think it's wonderful that you are willing to share your obvious love with Jack and with a new little girl to come. I cry everytime I read your blog posts lately, as I too have struggled with the loss of a dear pet. It's something we all go through, and just know that you are doing the right thing by letting yourself love another. Take care.