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Monday, May 4, 2009

My heart aches.

I don't know how to begin this so I'll just tell you.

Sometime early this morning Bella got trapped under Jeff's leg. Normally she sleeps at the top left corner of our bed, near my head. For some reason she went to the middle of the bed. When I saw her I knew.

We buried her under the dogwood tree with Bogie.

I will miss her sweet face, I so loved kissing her. She was such a joy. I should have taken better care of her. The fault is mine. I am so sorry.

--

Update: 1:40p

The emails are overwhelming and so unbelievably kind, words cannot describe. With puffy eyes and swollen face I want you to know, that I will be okay, we will all be okay. Personally, I am so angry with myself for not taking more care of my little, sweet baby. That's what she was to me, my baby. After birthing four children and getting them out of toddler-hood without any real trauma's and here I can't even keep my precious puppy safe? It makes me think I don't deserve happiness. Now understand me... we've had a rough year, a long year and this just makes you really want to be angry at life in general. But...

I will be okay.

My Bella isn't here and there's nothing I can do, but I can be happy in the knowing that maybe she's somewhere with my Bogie. I so hope. Can there be a doggie heaven? Oh. I hope. I spent so much time kissing her furry pansy face, chewing on her tiny arms and legs. She brought immense joy to anyone who stopped by and would see her, it was almost hilarious. "Oh isn't she just the cutest thing!" And yes, she certainly was.

Michelle, our breeder, called me back and told me that she still had Bella's brother, who oddly enough, has had three sets of families who said they were coming to get him. She said, "it's the strangest thing because I NEVER have puppies after six weeks, they're always gone." And that, how strange to have Bella's brother still here? I found it odd, definitely, or providential? I do not know.

She said, "it might be too soon, but think about it, come look at him" and then we both got to crying over one thing and another. ::sigh:: I am torn. Do I go look? Would that be forgetting my bundle of joy that I held in my arms just one day ago? I don't think Jeff will help me decide as he's feeling so low right now over all of this and I keep telling him that he would NEVER have taken my Bella from me, he would NEVER have wanted this. So the forgiveness isn't necessary, I don't need to forgive him because I don't blame him, never did and never would have. He is good and kind and the most loving person I have ever met in my life, how could he think I would blame him? Not one bone in my body is angry at him for this, not one. After all, what a marvelous Valentine's Day gift she was to me! The excitement and then the waiting for her birth and then for her to be "ready"? The visiting at 3 weeks and then driving to GET HER! Oh, the joy, the elation of bringing her home and showing her off to everyone in the family. I can't tell you what that was like, it was blessed! I loved each minute.

Last week I took her into the kid's school and brought her with me. :) She was so sweet. I sure wish I had more time with her. I sure wish...

6 comments:

After Hours Art Glass said...

Laurie,

I'm so sorry for you and the kids. There are no words. Please don't be hard on yourself :-)

All the best~
Shannon

Kristen said...

Laurie, I'm so very sorry for your loss. That truly is the saddest thing. You'll be in my thoughts. Even though I don't even know her, I'll miss her too.

Amy Uy said...

Dear Laurie,
I am so sorry for the loss of Bella! Please know that it is not your fault!
You were the best Mommy and Family little Bella could have asked for!
Hugs to you in your sorrow. I know the ache you have in your heart.
God Bless Little Bella, and know Bogie is there with her to keep her company in Heaven.

amy uy said...

Oh Laurie, if you got Bella's brother, I am sure Bella would look
down from Doggie Heaven(yes, there is one) and she would be so
happy that you had him, knowing how you love her, she would never
have to worry about her little (dare I say "Edward")? brother!
Poor Jeff, I can't imagine how he feels but like you said... It is not his fault!
Remember, you were all such a great family to Bella.
Again, heartfelt hugs to each of you.

Donna Bruno said...

Laurie, this is heartbreaking. Bella's brother is still there for a reason. Who could love him better than you guys? He won't be better than Bella; you can never replace her, but he will be different, happy to be in place that's a little familar to him. Take care.

Jason and Rachel said...

Oh Laurie! I can feel your grief. We had a puppy that had a brain aneurism right in front of us. It took me so long to come to a place where I can think of her and not lose it. She was our baby before we had babies. My husband couldn't stand the silence in our house, so he tried to convince me to get another one. I just couldn't because I felt like I was betraying Barkleigh. But, we ended up getting two sisters and they have filled our hearts with their own joy and love. Just like babies. They each bring their own love. It will take time, but as always, time heals.

You are in my thoughts and from someone who knows, it will get better.